


Manic Liberty

by meakashi



Category: Original Work
Genre: Apathy, Despair, Gen, High School, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mania, Psychological Trauma, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-02
Updated: 2020-03-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 18:49:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,305
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22980514
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meakashi/pseuds/meakashi
Summary: This story will not have a happy ending. // Please read the notes!
Comments: 1
Kudos: 3





	Manic Liberty

**Author's Note:**

> Content warning// This story contains graphic content that may be triggering to some. It’s a vent that I wrote earlier today when I was having a breakdown. I feel better now, but some of the content is disturbing. Please read carefully.

It was a warm autumn morning, and Naoko woke abruptly. She had been planning this day for months, and the anticipation had been unbearable. She decided to be fair and give herself some time to really consider her decision. She waited months to see if something, anything could change her mind. Nothing happened, and the feelings wouldn’t go away. On the date she had marked down, she enthusiastically decided to go through with it.

She felt weightless that morning, almost airborne. She decided to make breakfast this morning. not particularly caring about being late for school. She never ate much but now? She can eat and enjoy whatever she wanted! She ended up making warm pancakes with thick, sticky syrup and fresh fruit to top it. It didn’t look appealing, but it was enough for her, as they were delicious. She didn’t regret it.

Her school had a strict dress code - besides the official uniform, skirts had to reach the knees, makeup and hair dye wasn’t allowed, shoes had to be close toed and ribbons had to be tied. She decided to hell with that - she’d rebel today. After dressing up in the traditional uniform, she wore her hair loose and free, not even bothering to run a brush through it. She tried to apply eye makeup. The eyeliner (she had attempted to do simple wings) was crooked, and her eyelashes looked more chunky than thick. Still, it was something, and she liked the look of it. She watched the bus drive away out her window - this was fine! She wouldn’t have it any other way. The kids on the bus were loud,vulgar, obnoxious and rude! Not at all caring about being late, she opted to walk to school today. She wouldn’t have to face any consequences, anyway.

She danced across the streets like an utter fool, not caring who saw. She cranked her earbuds at max volume, despite her father's warning against it. She no longer cared about going deaf. It felt good at the moment, like she was in a music video! She hopped in front of a car, barely missing it. The car came to an abrupt stop, honking its horn at her, but she ran away laughing. 

She held a certain manic joy that nothing could kill. She’s been looking forward to today for so long. She’s never felt freer in the span of her entire life.

She waltzed into school, and hung up her backpack. She didn’t even bother to grab her books - to hell with them, to hell with everything! The only reason she went to her first period was because of a teacher who had questioned her. He didn’t appreciate her sense of humor, and insisted she go to class. Whatever.

She glanced at the guidance office as she disappeared into the classroom, telling a silent apology in her head. This wasn’t a phase, someone please listen? She thought the guidance counselor had listened. She was one of the last people who even pretended to care. She wouldn’t see this coming - no one would! She grinned bitterly through the despair, a chaotic sort of sadness.

In first period, everyone was doing group projects. Naoko didn’t have any friends in this class, and was always too shy to approach anyone. Not today! What did she have to lose? She paired up with two girls, and they were very sweet. She said to hell with it once again and asked to eat lunch with them, not caring if it went badly or if they rejected her. If they did, she’d probably feel embarrassed and wish she could disappear, which wasn’t an issue anymore! She’ll disappear no matter what! She wouldn’t be down today, no! They laughed at her jokes, they appreciated her opinions, praising her up and down. It felt amazing. 

Maybe she even managed to make friends. The period before lunch, she was handed a pop quiz. Normally, this would stress her out, yet now she couldn’t find it in herself to care. She bullshitted her way through it, and doodled a mocking drawing of the teacher on the back. That teacher hated her anyway, so it was fitting. She had to make sure he wouldn’t see it until after class - so she put her head down and slept until the end of the period, waiting until the bell rang to turn it in.

Lunch rolled around, and the girl’s friends were rather kind. They talked a lot and sometimes it was hard to keep up and chime in, and if things were different she would’ve let nerves get the best of her. They laughed at her jokes and told her how fun she was to be around. It was nice.

At the end of the day was improv theatre, which she regretted signing up for almost instantly. She was far too timid to put herself out there in front of people, and every class was so nerve wracking it made her sick. Not today, though! Today she volunteered, created and performed the stupidest skits she could come up with, because it didn’t matter! To hell with it all! 

After school, her newfound friends asked if she could hang out - they planned to go to a cafe. She politely declined, having had something important planned after school.

She danced away, cranking the music once again. She kept going until she found the bridge, where she slowed down to catch her breath.

It was almost time. Naoko reached into her pocket, stroking the blade against the fabric with two fingers, humming a tune to herself. She didn’t care anymore. The affects her death had were irrelevant to her, because she’d never see them. Perhaps she’d get lucky in the next life. Anything had to be better than this.

Naoko couldn’t cope anymore. She saw no future for herself, and her paranoia had gotten so unbearable that she ended up sabotaging her own relationships. Her test scores had been plummeting, her family was disappointed in her, and she really wouldn’t be missed. People would pretend to care, copy and paste quotes about awareness online, but it wouldn’t really make a difference. She’d disappear, and the smoke would clear out quickly. Her friends would move on - she’s heard the things they said. She’s toxic, a worrier, a downer. She always killed the mood.

She didn’t know what she was trying to do by evaluating her life over again. The bad had outweighed the good, and she made her decision. There was nothing to return to now after everything she’s done this week. She stared at the sunset - it was especially vibrant tonight, the sky appearing to be going up in flames. She trudged to the edge of the bridge, a shallow stream far below. It was famous for its view, and therefore had benches along the rails for admirers to look at it and take pictures. She’s always hated getting her picture taken.

She drew the blade from her pocket, and climbed up, standing on the bench. If the fall and stones below didn’t kill her, the knife to her gut would. She was afraid, but it wasn’t a willful fear, moreso instinct. Her physical body was the only one who still cared, tensing up. Her stomach twisted in nausea. She took a deep breath, and began humming again. She pulled her phone out of her other pocket, setting it down on the concrete. She chucked it over the bridge with all her might. Despite the efforts, it didn’t even break, instead it gently floated down the stream without a care in the world.

“Haha!” She laughed bitterly in spite of herself. “Damn, now the police will be going through all my texts, what a shame!”

Laughing, she threw herself off the bridge, the knife pointed straight at a vital point.

**Author's Note:**

> End notes // This story is very personal to me for many reasons. I’ve seen many portrayals of suicide and suicidal individuals down in the dumps and sad, so I wanted to write something more similar to my experiences. When I was at my lowest, it felt like more of an apathetic freedom - I was reckless and impulsive, not caring about consequences of my actions and stuck between a chaotic sadness and manic joy, doing as I pleased and making some decisions - good and bad - since nothing seemed to matter anymore.
> 
> The irony of this story is that despite her taking it too far, Naoko’s philosophy wasn’t entirely awful. She was driven to this point by pressure and paranoia so crippling, she couldn’t stand to live any longer. 
> 
> When nothing else mattered to her anymore, she didn’t care about embarrassment anymore and took risks, doing things she wouldn’t normally do. Some of the things aren’t inherently harmful, and she could’ve built lasting friendships from the people she approached because she no longer cared about embarrassment. It shows you can still be free, and take risks. Step outside of your comfort zone. Living sheltered and fearful is no way to live, and dropping your guard a little could improve your life. 
> 
> In conclusion, she didn’t live until she decided she didn’t care what others thought, and by then it was too late.
> 
> Naoko could’ve gotten better if she hadn’t taken it so extreme and reached out. For legal reasons I have to say that this isn’t a representation of any current feelings, and if you relate to this please reach out for help. Your life matters.
> 
> I love you all.


End file.
